It Was a Strange Little Journey

Walking this new path,
  Struggling to relish the gifts.
  Struggling with my own resistance
  to release the old, to embrace the new.

And suddenly,
  everything changed.
  I lay on the kitchen floor
  feeling my soul leave my body.

Several heart beats later,
  an ambulance chauffeured me
  to the hospital bed, nurses, doctors,
  tests, sleepless nights, IVs, medicine...

Upon my release, I was
  whisked to a heart surgeon,
  who set in motion the medical
  machine, tests, procedures, more tests...

Caught up in the whirlwind,
  I acquiesced, allowed the tests.
  But, something else was stirring,
  something beyond this physical plane.

It announced, 'I am done with this.'
  Its strength grew even as my body failed.
  It persisted as the fog lifted from my mind.
  It pressed forward, activated the Kundalini.

It suggested that I can heal myself.
  The physical experience was the stage
  upon which it will reveal itself and its gifts.
  I need merely to listen, witness and stop resisting.

Kundalini Healing

Something shifted.
  Like a groundswell,
  it quaked my being,
  woke me up,
  turned me bout,
  faced me forward.

It left me restless,
  knowing I'm done with
  the medical establishment.
  I'm done with the incident that
  landed me in the medical machine.

But more...
  a realization
  that I can heal myself.
  yes.

Kundalini awoke two nights ago.
  It emerged in the evening,
  and then became quiet
  until I lay to rest.

My hand, 
  resting on my abdoman,
  awoke it.

It stirred and stretched
  into my abdoman, awaking
  the organs, innervating them,
  activating chaotic motion, turbulence.

My body flushed itself,
  cleansed itself of the toxins,
  and I lay again to rest, wondering...

Several hours later,
  the Kundalini stirred again,
  exploded through my viscera,
  wrapped my abdoman in energy.

Twice, in succession, it did this,
  and then shot up my chakras to my heart,
  surrounding it, holding it, impregnating my chest
  with hot, healing, swirling, powerful, intentional energy.

I slept then, with powerful dreams,
  the remanents of which float through
  the recesses of my mind, occasssionally
  surfacing, sharing their gifts and promise.

I feel well, over the 'medical' incident.
  I feel filled with a powerful something.
  I feel profound gratitude and an attitude,
  an impatience, an excitement, an arrogance,
  a restlessness, a humble realization that my ego
  has been stimulated and is trying to claim its space.

So, into quiet I must fall.
  For this was not my ego,
  or my doing.  It was Spirit.

And, It is trying to teach me.
  Please help me to listen,
  to hear, to learn,
  what You offer.

Only to Witness and Feel

In the brutal moment
  that lasted an eternity,
  I learned what it is like
  to die...and, to die alone.

Collapsed on the floor.
  Unable to move or decide.
  Observing from the outside.

Feeling the stretching of the
  tether holding my soul to my body.
  The soul detaching; the body pulling it back.

Unable to move,
  only to witness and feel.

Does Victory Require an 'Over'?

Victory

Does victory require an 'over'?
  'Victory over...'
  'Victory over death.'

But, death isn't a foe.
  It is, like the rest of life,
  a transition from one state to the next.

Death is part of life.
  It is as fundamental as
  birth, breath, bonding, belief...

There is no need to vanquish death.
  And, celebrating 'victory over death'
  is akin to celebrating 'victory over birth'.

All is one, all is blessed.
  Death, life, death, life, transform
  from then to now, from here to there.

The victory is not in conquering.
  It is in living intentionally
  through all of it.

Life, Effortless, Graceful

I was standing in a desert.
  Gauze covered my body
  and swelled in the wind.

Sand dunes all around.
  Wind blowing against my face.
  'Turn to see where the wind is blowing.'

As I turned, Tortoise
  rose beneath my feet,
  lifting me gently off the sand.

In great, slow strides,
  it began to fly above the sand,
  wind at my back, light breeze on my face.

Then, it dipped into the sand.
  Sand flowed across my feet and ankles.
  Arms outstretched, head held high, atop my friend.

Then, he began the dive.
  Sand flowed past my shins, my knees, my waist...
  The steady movement unwavering, never ceasing.

He spoke, 'If you tire, you are resisting.'
  'Allow life to flow.  Don't resist.  Don't fight.'
  Long, steady, slow, mindful, effortless strokes.

The pressure of the sand against my body lifted.
  He swam in great circles, gliding through the sand
  as an eagle through the sky, me on his back, arms outstretched.

'Swim,'  he says.
  I let go just above his mighty shell.
  I mimic his strokes, strong, slow, steady, mindful.
  I am swimming through sand...gracefully, effortlessly.

When I grow weary, I rest atop his shell.
  He continues to swim, through the stars.
  It is all the same to him, sand, stars, ocean.

Resistance is a state created by our minds.
  It is the primal game played by our mind
  with the the most elementary of emotions.

'Let go the resistance to life,' he says.
  'Allow it to flow.
  Rejoice in the flow of life about your feet.
  Revel in your ability to fly, to walk, to breath.

'And, never fear,
  for fear cuts off your breath,
  binds your feet, closes your eyes.'

'Life, death, transitions...
  all are one,
  all are a gift.'

'There nothing to fear,
  everything to rejoice.'

A Call to Peace

Tears
  a feeling so big, it fills this tiny being beyond full

Wants to explode out and beyond
  freedom from the strictures
  of this mind

wanting to show the magnificence
  wanting to share the wonder, the awe
  wanting to point to the All
  to shout

look beyond, into!

look and see
  the holy that is your self.

feel the immense joy
  at knowing you are
  at one
  always
  with the All

breathe lightly
  experince the profound peace

let your self fall
  into the ecstacy
  of pure, unconditional, eternal
  love.

Everythingness

the black box
  that is me

turning, floating
  solid, yet not.

all round, nothing
  or is it everything?

Searching for the opening
  finding none, needing none

watching the bonds between atoms melt
  watching the box disappate

vaporous, dispersing into the nothingness, everythingness

the black box
  a facade. no, a journey, an experience

not the full reality
  not even 'me'

an invitation to explore, adventure, learn, feel
  and just for a moment

don't let it pass unaware

Only I

You need not safety,
  for there is no such thing as harm.

Only IS

You need not fear,
  for there is nothing to fear.

Only I

Safety from Harm

The overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry.
  From where?  For what?  I don't know.
  But the sorrow is deep, so very deep.

'You cling to your sorrow like a child
  grasping the hem of her mother's dress.
  So frightened are you to let go, to feel Me.'

'I yearn for security, feel desperately the need
  for safety from harm.  If I release my grip,
  I step into harm's way. I will be hurt!'

'The security you grasp for is an illusion.
  You misconstrue familiarity with security.
  You are holding onto old pain, sorrow, fear.'

Seeking wisdom, I listen to the words of Spirit,
  Negotiating, 'OK, if I let go my hold on fear,
  I fall into the safety of your arms, right?

I imagine letting loose my grip on the 'old',
  I see myself, safe and secure in God's arms.
  I feel ready at last to release my hold on fear.

'My child, it is not about moving from one notion
  of safety to another.  That logic allows fear to
  preserve its rule over your heart and mind.'

'It is about letting go of the fear, totally.
  It is about stepping into your future
  without a script written by fear.'

'Only then can you experience the splendor
  of this Spirit walk,the magnificence of Creation,
  and the wisdom you have sought these many years.'

'Step into your future, the unknown, without the
  the incessant search for safety from harm.
  There is no harm, no need for security.'

'Step out of the illusion and into Me.'

Who You Are in the Passing

Spirit spoke yesterday, resounding

  through the din of my mind at work.

'You are here now, and then gone.

  Your achievements will fade with time.'

'Remember, at the end of the day,

  it is not your work that really matters.'

'Rather, it is who you are in the passing.'

Allow Me to Heal the Sorrow

Through pain and sorrow, healing.
  I heal the pain, yet your hold the sorrow.

A new morning dawns,
  The threat of homelessness gone.
  Food on the table; income secured.

I urge you to rejoice in the new space.
  I invite you to celebrate this moment.
  I ask you to give form to your dreams.

Yet, you resist.

It is the memories that hold you back.
  Feelings of loss, rejection, separation.
  And the fear that all of this is transient,

So, you grasp the sorrow, hold it close.
  You believe that releasing it is dangerous,
  will bring back the pain, the chaos, the fear.

Look

Sit quietly, feel Me, know that I Am here.
  I bring you wisdom - the ability to integrate
  knowledge and experience with divine inspiration.

Look to Me, see the vastness of the All,
  the connection of every being and thing.
  There is no 'them' and 'us', no separation.

See deeply into and beyond your experience.
  Seek the wisdom I offer, that you can find only
  by experiencing the material, living fully, openly.

In those depths, you will find Me.
  I am always here, with you, forever.
  Seek Me and you shall find Me - always.

Open your heart to this moment.
  Allow Me to heal the sorrow so that
  you can live fully into every blessed moment.

Strength in Weakness

Journeying to my ancestors.
  Walking with my spirit guides.
  Searching for the shaman in my lineage.

'Your heart is weak!'
  What?
  'Your heart is weak.'
  Wait, what?

Silence

Three weeks later, a letter arrives.
  'We want to refer you to a cardiologist.
  Your heart is weak.'

What?!

The next day,
  I find the courage to speak the words
  outloud, to real people, making it real.

My heart is weak.

Through tears, I journey
  into this new reality, not sure
  even what to ask.

I find in that sacred space
  a wild bore, ferocious eyes,
  menacing presence, staring at me.

No weapons, no recourse, no way 'out',
  I face the wild bore, gazing into the danger.
  And then, a profound peace fills my heart,
  permeates my being, surrounds my human form.

And, as I stand defenseless against the ravages of this beast,
  I realize that the strength to walk this next path emerges
  from the wounded organ that now threatens my life.

'Strength in weakness.'

Strength in weakness.

Strength in weakness.

Settling into a New Reality

A week has passed.

The pieces are falling into place:
  the constant swollen ankles,
  the crushing of my heart during hot flashes,
  the constant tiredness,
  the pains in my chest when
    I walk too fast,
    climb stairs,
    lay down...

My heart is weak.

Oh my god!

Now the memories emerge,
  My mother battling for life after heart surgery.
  My father dying during the procedure
  to prepare him for heart surgery.
  My mother-in-law dying after heart surgery...

Oh my god!

This is real.
  This is really real.
  Oh my god!

Another hot flash,
  another constriction of the heart,
  the pain spreads through my chest.
  Oh my god!  This is really real!

There are stages in the grief process,
  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
  This is a normal process, one through which we all pass
  when life presents us with the unconcievable turned real.

I recognize them, have walked through them many times.
  I expect to journey through them again with this new reality.
  But, there is something fundamentally different this time.

I am aware of, can feel more regularly, the hand of God,
  a deep sense of peace, the strength of heart, an acceptance
  of this, the next stage in this journey of my soul on this plane.

Other memories flood my consciousness...
  The lessons my mother taught me take the fore of late.
  Facing death square on, she was given the choice to live or die.
  She chose to live, and without pause, lived every moment.
  My mother taught me how to live.

I am alive now.  I choose to live into every moment,
  I choose to be as fully present as I can, to reach for the stars,
  to dream the impossible, to seek opportunities to live into my purpose,
  to recognize and welcome wisdom, to love completely and purely.

I Am the Space In-Between

20 June 2011

I awoke to a desert;
  white sand all,
  except the blue of sky,
  both reaching to infinity.

'In this space, you shall find holiness...'

This is the space of the unknown.

But, what can we know of the 'unknown'?
  Of what does it taste? smell? feel?
  What lies therein?

White sand all,
  except the blue of sky,
  both reaching to infinity...

and me.

Solitary among the trillion bits of sand.
  A single breath laced into the gentle wind.
  A soul alone in the vastness of...
  what?
  of what?

Quiet.

Unbounded openness, empty space.
  Standing on a blank page;
  waiting for the writing to appear.

Nothing.

'Oh my god.

There is nothing.

Nothing except me.'

Roused by the empty space,
  my demons jump to the fore;
  fear, uncertainty, doubt, guilt, judge...
  voracious, black, eager.

Lusting after the empty space,
  the opportunity to fill the void;
  gluttonous, insatiable,
  never enough space to fill;
  unquenchable thirst;
  ready, ready, ready
  to be let loose.

Assuming the mask of authority and import,
  they shove violently into the space,
  quickly consuming it,
  casting shadow where light once shown,
  polluting the pristine sand with slime and filth.

White sand all,
  except the blue of sky,
  both reaching to infinity...

'Where have you gone?'

I close my eyes,
  remember the white, the blue, the openness...

I remember the child puppeteer, the one sending the demons.
  I see her fragility, her misguided attempts to protect me, her frightened heart.
  And, as so many times before,
  I take her into my arms and hold her;
  love, compassion, understanding, reassurance...

The puppets fall from the sky,
  melting into energy,
  transforming into chi.

'It is okay to be frightened.
  There is no need to be ashamed.
  Hold it, allow it.

Fear is part of being human.
  You walk in human form.
  Honor it, love it...

And, keep walking.'

The first lesson from the 'unknown'.

To be human is to know fear.
  A sage doesn't lack fear;
  she acknowledges and honors it.
  She learns to walk with it.

and...

She allows others to see it,
  to witness her fallibility.

For in her honest presentation of her self,
  she empowers others to embrace
  the humanness that is them,
  and to learn to walk
  in that humanness,
  to experience the divine.
-------------------------

'I am the space in-between.
  Look carefully.
  You see?

Here I Am.

Always there, here.
  Can you feel?

I feel your fear.
  I see the veil with which fear clouds your vision.

I love you.

You learned, did you not, in physics
  that the space in-between is vast,
  greater than the material forms I created from this space;

  that the material forms, too, are mostly the space in-between.

My child,
  that space in-between
  is not empty.

It is the all of life;
  It is the chi;
  It is the source.

It is the vibration in your body.
  It is the energy rushing through your hands.'

White sand all,
  except the blue of sky,
  both reaching to infinity...

The Unknown;
  the Holiness in the Unknown;
  the life in the Unknown;
  the source in the Unknown...

'There...
  There am I.
  There I AM.'

Watch, Listen, Learn

Look, listen with your heart.
  Lessons are all about, for you.

I load the new wash machine
  and watch to see how it works.

It takes five minutes to 'load sense'.
  It tests the load gingerly at first,
  slight movements of the washer drum.

Then, the drum sways to and fro,
  measuring, sensing, feeling
  the weight, the proportion,
  the balance, of this new load.

Then, it takes an initial spin,
  clothes lined against the drum
  centrifugal force holding them.

Finally, arriving at an 'understanding'
  of its load, the washer commences
  the laundry cycle.

And, I realize...
  This is a new stage of my life.
  I need to 'sense the load'.

To do that, I need to watch and listen
  carefully and openly and deeply.

Watch, listen, learn.
  Spirit is here, always here,
  guiding, loving, watching over.
  You shall Never journey alone.