Who You Are in the Passing

Spirit spoke yesterday, resounding

  through the din of my mind at work.

'You are here now, and then gone.

  Your achievements will fade with time.'

'Remember, at the end of the day,

  it is not your work that really matters.'

'Rather, it is who you are in the passing.'

Allow Me to Heal the Sorrow

Through pain and sorrow, healing.
  I heal the pain, yet your hold the sorrow.

A new morning dawns,
  The threat of homelessness gone.
  Food on the table; income secured.

I urge you to rejoice in the new space.
  I invite you to celebrate this moment.
  I ask you to give form to your dreams.

Yet, you resist.

It is the memories that hold you back.
  Feelings of loss, rejection, separation.
  And the fear that all of this is transient,

So, you grasp the sorrow, hold it close.
  You believe that releasing it is dangerous,
  will bring back the pain, the chaos, the fear.

Look

Sit quietly, feel Me, know that I Am here.
  I bring you wisdom - the ability to integrate
  knowledge and experience with divine inspiration.

Look to Me, see the vastness of the All,
  the connection of every being and thing.
  There is no 'them' and 'us', no separation.

See deeply into and beyond your experience.
  Seek the wisdom I offer, that you can find only
  by experiencing the material, living fully, openly.

In those depths, you will find Me.
  I am always here, with you, forever.
  Seek Me and you shall find Me - always.

Open your heart to this moment.
  Allow Me to heal the sorrow so that
  you can live fully into every blessed moment.

Strength in Weakness

Journeying to my ancestors.
  Walking with my spirit guides.
  Searching for the shaman in my lineage.

'Your heart is weak!'
  What?
  'Your heart is weak.'
  Wait, what?

Silence

Three weeks later, a letter arrives.
  'We want to refer you to a cardiologist.
  Your heart is weak.'

What?!

The next day,
  I find the courage to speak the words
  outloud, to real people, making it real.

My heart is weak.

Through tears, I journey
  into this new reality, not sure
  even what to ask.

I find in that sacred space
  a wild bore, ferocious eyes,
  menacing presence, staring at me.

No weapons, no recourse, no way 'out',
  I face the wild bore, gazing into the danger.
  And then, a profound peace fills my heart,
  permeates my being, surrounds my human form.

And, as I stand defenseless against the ravages of this beast,
  I realize that the strength to walk this next path emerges
  from the wounded organ that now threatens my life.

'Strength in weakness.'

Strength in weakness.

Strength in weakness.

Settling into a New Reality

A week has passed.

The pieces are falling into place:
  the constant swollen ankles,
  the crushing of my heart during hot flashes,
  the constant tiredness,
  the pains in my chest when
    I walk too fast,
    climb stairs,
    lay down...

My heart is weak.

Oh my god!

Now the memories emerge,
  My mother battling for life after heart surgery.
  My father dying during the procedure
  to prepare him for heart surgery.
  My mother-in-law dying after heart surgery...

Oh my god!

This is real.
  This is really real.
  Oh my god!

Another hot flash,
  another constriction of the heart,
  the pain spreads through my chest.
  Oh my god!  This is really real!

There are stages in the grief process,
  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
  This is a normal process, one through which we all pass
  when life presents us with the unconcievable turned real.

I recognize them, have walked through them many times.
  I expect to journey through them again with this new reality.
  But, there is something fundamentally different this time.

I am aware of, can feel more regularly, the hand of God,
  a deep sense of peace, the strength of heart, an acceptance
  of this, the next stage in this journey of my soul on this plane.

Other memories flood my consciousness...
  The lessons my mother taught me take the fore of late.
  Facing death square on, she was given the choice to live or die.
  She chose to live, and without pause, lived every moment.
  My mother taught me how to live.

I am alive now.  I choose to live into every moment,
  I choose to be as fully present as I can, to reach for the stars,
  to dream the impossible, to seek opportunities to live into my purpose,
  to recognize and welcome wisdom, to love completely and purely.

I Am the Space In-Between

20 June 2011

I awoke to a desert;
  white sand all,
  except the blue of sky,
  both reaching to infinity.

'In this space, you shall find holiness...'

This is the space of the unknown.

But, what can we know of the 'unknown'?
  Of what does it taste? smell? feel?
  What lies therein?

White sand all,
  except the blue of sky,
  both reaching to infinity...

and me.

Solitary among the trillion bits of sand.
  A single breath laced into the gentle wind.
  A soul alone in the vastness of...
  what?
  of what?

Quiet.

Unbounded openness, empty space.
  Standing on a blank page;
  waiting for the writing to appear.

Nothing.

'Oh my god.

There is nothing.

Nothing except me.'

Roused by the empty space,
  my demons jump to the fore;
  fear, uncertainty, doubt, guilt, judge...
  voracious, black, eager.

Lusting after the empty space,
  the opportunity to fill the void;
  gluttonous, insatiable,
  never enough space to fill;
  unquenchable thirst;
  ready, ready, ready
  to be let loose.

Assuming the mask of authority and import,
  they shove violently into the space,
  quickly consuming it,
  casting shadow where light once shown,
  polluting the pristine sand with slime and filth.

White sand all,
  except the blue of sky,
  both reaching to infinity...

'Where have you gone?'

I close my eyes,
  remember the white, the blue, the openness...

I remember the child puppeteer, the one sending the demons.
  I see her fragility, her misguided attempts to protect me, her frightened heart.
  And, as so many times before,
  I take her into my arms and hold her;
  love, compassion, understanding, reassurance...

The puppets fall from the sky,
  melting into energy,
  transforming into chi.

'It is okay to be frightened.
  There is no need to be ashamed.
  Hold it, allow it.

Fear is part of being human.
  You walk in human form.
  Honor it, love it...

And, keep walking.'

The first lesson from the 'unknown'.

To be human is to know fear.
  A sage doesn't lack fear;
  she acknowledges and honors it.
  She learns to walk with it.

and...

She allows others to see it,
  to witness her fallibility.

For in her honest presentation of her self,
  she empowers others to embrace
  the humanness that is them,
  and to learn to walk
  in that humanness,
  to experience the divine.
-------------------------

'I am the space in-between.
  Look carefully.
  You see?

Here I Am.

Always there, here.
  Can you feel?

I feel your fear.
  I see the veil with which fear clouds your vision.

I love you.

You learned, did you not, in physics
  that the space in-between is vast,
  greater than the material forms I created from this space;

  that the material forms, too, are mostly the space in-between.

My child,
  that space in-between
  is not empty.

It is the all of life;
  It is the chi;
  It is the source.

It is the vibration in your body.
  It is the energy rushing through your hands.'

White sand all,
  except the blue of sky,
  both reaching to infinity...

The Unknown;
  the Holiness in the Unknown;
  the life in the Unknown;
  the source in the Unknown...

'There...
  There am I.
  There I AM.'

Watch, Listen, Learn

Look, listen with your heart.
  Lessons are all about, for you.

I load the new wash machine
  and watch to see how it works.

It takes five minutes to 'load sense'.
  It tests the load gingerly at first,
  slight movements of the washer drum.

Then, the drum sways to and fro,
  measuring, sensing, feeling
  the weight, the proportion,
  the balance, of this new load.

Then, it takes an initial spin,
  clothes lined against the drum
  centrifugal force holding them.

Finally, arriving at an 'understanding'
  of its load, the washer commences
  the laundry cycle.

And, I realize...
  This is a new stage of my life.
  I need to 'sense the load'.

To do that, I need to watch and listen
  carefully and openly and deeply.

Watch, listen, learn.
  Spirit is here, always here,
  guiding, loving, watching over.
  You shall Never journey alone.

Words to Guide the Way and Hold Me Up

Life can be so hard sometimes.
During those times, I collect phrases
to contemplate and guide me.

These are the phrases I collected
this last year and a half.
-----------------------

In order to fly,
  you have to give up
  the ground on which you stand.
--------------------------------

Namaste
  My soul recognizes your soul.
  I honor the light, love, beauty, truth and kindness
  within you because it is also within me.
  In sharing these things, there is no distance
  between us.  We are the same.  We are one.
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Drop and give me Zen.
  Drop regrets.
  Drop limiting beliefs.
  Drop resentment.
  Drop doubts.
  Drop worries.
----------------

Open mind.
  Open heart.
  Clear voice.
-------------

Play the hand you are dealt.
  Watch the new cards.
-----------------------

Take full advantage of every opportunity.
----------------------------------------

Roll the hard six.
  There is 3% chance of winning.
  This is the space of miracles.
------------------------------

When nothing is sure,
  everything is possible.
-----------------------

Come back to center.
----------------------

Never give up,
  no matter what is going on.
 Never give up.

Develop the heart.
  Too much in your country
  is spent developing the mind
  instead of the heart.

Be compassionate,
  not just to your friends,
  but to everyone.

Be compassionate.
  Work for peace,
  in your heart and
  in the world.

And, I say again,
  never give up,
  no matter what is
  going on around you.

Never give up.

Dalai Lama
----------------------

My own words...

This is a Spirit Walk.
  Spread your wings.
  Reclaim your voice.
  Explore
  Imagine
  Find possibilities
  Watch
  Learn
  Withhold judgment
--

Feel You in every breath.
  Silence
  Creativity
  Service
Live with my whole heart.
--

My Vision

Walking a spiritual path in this life
  is of paramount importance to me.

It defines all that I do;
  the work I select,
  the way in which I approach that work,
  the life I live each day,
  the love I bring into my life...
  all of it.

I am here to create beauty,
  to offer compassion and love,
  to bring light.

THAT, I pray, will be reflected
  in every breath that I take.